Balance

 

Well, I haven't written for a whole 3 days and God only knows I can never stay quiet for that long, so I thought I'd write about a post I've just read, from a friend. It's just reminded me all too much of the happiness I feel now... well, it'll come to an end soon enough. It's the way the world works I'm affraid, whatever you want to call it - kharma, "the secret"... I call it balance.

 Though it might sound silly, I believe that there's a certain amount of balance in life, of highs and lows, good and evil and light and dark - you can't have one without the other. Now try as we may, no matter how good we are or how hard we try, there will always be times when we look at ourselves and think "Why me?"



We often find ourselves in a position where we think what on earth am I going to do next. The beautiful thing about that is, we don't know, and we won't know until that chance comes along - but the important thing is that when the chance DOES come along - we have to take it. We can't wallow, as much as it feels like it's all we have, we have to accept that there's more and it'll get even better.

I remember a time I used to force myself to remember insignificant details just because I didn't want to lose what were some of the happiest moments of my life in a time that seemed hopeless. Now I have whole new album of bigger, brighter and more colourful pretty little memories in my book of happy times - and they haven't erased the others, of course not, but what's important is that I moved on, I developed, and I grew as a person. And what's more from these new "happy experiences"... I like to think I helped him "grow as a person" too. Maybe just a little bit ;)

But I try not to be too upset that we have to move on this time. I feel this time as we move on, we move on as equals, and though perhaps we won't see eachother for years to come, I know we'll stay in touch. I'll never lose what I've had and I'll never regret it - And just think... If the times I've had seem so perfect and wonderful for me now... think of what incomparable times I must have yet to come!

So, to "The girl who sees beauty in negative things"... just remember, no matter how dark things may seem, there's always a light to balance it out - just try not to miss the guy holding the candle :P

Bits and Pieces

I've finally thought of something I can use this blog for, besides my pointless ramblings that I know you love so much... sort of ;)

Well, once upon a time I was known by everyone (at least at school) for being "the happy one"- "the one that laughs a lot", "the one who doesn't get upset by anything"... well of course that's not true, and I doubt that's  true of anyone on this earth! And back then I didn't have a particularly "cool" image, but I had THAT image, so it's an image I felt I had to stick to. Without that I was just ... well, just Jenni!

So I used to write a lot of poetry - particularly short little poems. I don't know where a lot of it's gone but I saved some of it on my computer, some of it's really old and a bit all over the place, some of it was for school, some of it was just because I was bored I guess... But hope you enjoy it! xxx

(Be warned, some of them are a little heavy and weird, particularly in too deep and twinkling star... probably the sappiest things I've written in my life haha!)

In too deep

Water clear as strong and true,

Fall too deep, submerge in you.

Break the surface, fall again,

Whilst love torments, sensibility ends.

Gasp my last breath, heart stops beating-

As life as I know is ending; completing.

Broken again. A tear from my eye,

My heart beats again, and thus I die.

Tiny Twinkling Star (The last kiss) ... should really be two seperate ones but still!

 

Will my lips part and tremble, crush against his, soft and caring?

Will passion over come and cool heat rush through as I hold him?

Will the moment pass me by unnoticed; plain and lost in time?

Will immortal words hold feelings my fragile mind will soon put behind?

                  

Does he dream of nights when suns are rising, when light diminishes little twinkling stars?

As they fade slowly into nothing, a new day begins, hence ends the night.

Must the night always end? Must the daylight glare upon its peaceful sleeping face?

For what is more precious? A thousand suns, or a tiny twinkling star?

Ta Fleur

I am no inspiration,

no flower in a field-

Simply one of many gentle blades,

Silently concealed

Amongst the hushing of the grasses

and the whispers of the wheat,

Swaying wistfully as tender winds

Blow coolly in the heat.

  

1.

-this was part of a 4 piece poem which represented myself and my brother and sisters, i've lost the other three, but incase anyone was wondering, this one is me :)

She is a sweetly singing melody.

A romance novel,

telling tales of impossible,

Inevitable and irrevocable love.

She is the spring time,

Of new beginnings, fresh starts.

A dressing table hidden by make-up

Never worn.

A set of drawers, glitter,

Buttons and a miniature porcelain rabbit.

A thick woollen jumper

To hide from cold, or else the eyes

And whispers of others.

A paintbrush, stained with

Powder blue.

She is an aging, snow white mirror,

Reflecting a small child.

Drops of Jupiter,

One of the "non-musical" songs in my head ;)

 

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's a time to change, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey

But tell me, did you sail across the sun?
Did you make it to the Milky Way
To see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated?

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star?
One without a permanent scar
And then you missed me
While you were looking for yourself out there?

Now that she's back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey
She checks out Mozart while she does Tae-Bo
Reminds me that there's room to grow, hey

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
I'm afraid that she might think of me as
Plain ol' Jane told a story about a man
Who was too afraid to fly so he never did land

But tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet?
Did you finally get the chance
To dance along the light of day
{ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/t/train-lyrics/drops-of-jupiter-lyrics.html }
And head back to the Milky Way?

And tell me, did Venus blow your mind?
Was it everything you wanted to find?
And then you missed me
While you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you
Even when I know you're wrong?

Can you imagine no first dance, freeze-dried romance
Five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had, and me?

But tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet?
Did you finally get the chance
To dance along the light of day
And head back toward the Milky Way?

But tell me, did you sail across the sun?
Did you make it to the Milky Way
To see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated?

And tell me, did you fall for a shooting star?
One without a permanent scar
And then you missed me
While you were looking for yourself?

And did you finally get the chance
To dance along the light of day?
And did you fall for a shooting star?
Fall for a shooting star?
And now you're lonely looking for yourself out there...

Sticks and stones,

Earlier today, I was reading something in the paper that got me thinking - It was a quote from Helena Bonham Carter (you know the one, Bellatrix Lestrange, Alice in Wonderland, Sweeny Todd etc) - and she said she liked playing evil/weird characters because she found it interesting to think of reasons why they might've ended up that way.

And it's true isn't it, we are fascinated by "evil" people - and how they came to be "evil". In Psychology (yes, let us whip out our textbooks!) - there are two possible explanations for behaviour : Nature or Nurture.

Simple enough, isn't it? Well no, not entirely. Incase you hadn't already guessed, Nature refers to the qualities of which we are born with - eg: "I get angry easily because I got that from my Dad". Nurture, means that we learn behaviour through the environment in which we live - eg: "I'm angry because my Dad always yelled at me as a child and now I find everything agrivating"..... it's a stupid example but you get what I mean.

Not really nature nurture but it made me laugh :')

I just read the original Phantom of the Opera book, and thank God they've changed it for the purposes of the musical because if they hadn't it would've been a far more gruesome plot!

But just imagine - being born so devastatingly ugly, (with "death's head" - holes for eyes, nose and mouth and with yellow eyes) that your father could not look at you, and your mother put a bag on your head. Imagine then being taken off to a circus to be ridiculed, and then breaking free, to be used as a master of torture for all your screwed up inventions and magic tricks.... is it any wonder a boy who had been "nurtured" in this way would later have no sense of what's good, or evil, or no sense of humanity?

But then arguably, was it his "nature" which caused all this - as from the very day he was born, he was given this hideous face which caused all others to shun him, and as he never received love, he couldn't understand how to give it. So infact, despite the murders and the tortures, we actually PITY this man. And is this right? Well, that's for you to decide.

But I ask that you remember this - Screw the nature/nurture debate, as we all know both play their parts - but what we know for certain is that our words and our actions have an unimaginable impact on others.

"Sticks and stones may break your bones,

But words can break our hearts"

- Tim Minchin

Impossible love,

Well, firstly I'd like to say a big thankyou to the lovely Missy Bax who's been telling everyone about my blog haha, she's been very supportive of me and I thank her for that - if you want to read her blog, follow this link: http://beautyinnegativethings.blogspot.com/


But now to the topic of today's ramblings... Impossible Love.

How cheesy, huh! Yes, I know, but it's something I've been thinking about a lot recently - but something I know all us ladies have a soft spot for ;)


After all, impossible love is our favourite love story, isn't it? Certainly is mine. It's always the two people who can't fall in love that you want to be together the most. And no, Phantom is NOT the only example (though of course it is one ;) ) But let's look at two other things I love (get ready for the internal groaning...)


Disney, and Twilight :P

Disney: When was there a couple who were SUPPOSED to fall in love that later did? Perhaps with the exception of Snow White and Sleeping Beauty - but those are a little sappy ;) The best love stories are the impossible ones, the one's that beat all odds and they push through to be together. Beauty and the Beast (a beautiful girl and a hideous monster), Aladdin (a street rat and a princess), The Little Mermaid (a mermaid and a prince), hell, even Shrek!!

And as for Twilight, I think we all know that Edward Cullen is hardly a "real" vampire as people enjoy telling me in desperate attempts to ruin my deep love for him :P (though let's be honest, "vampires" are fictional, there are no REAL vampires) But that's not the reason the girl's read the book. Girls read the book because though their situation seems impossible (I mean come on he's a freakin' vampire!), their love shines through, and they end up together, forever - the truest happy ending.

Go on, I dare you to find someone who doesn't want that!

So what is it about impossible love that makes us read on, what is it that makes it so compelling? I've touched on this idea before in terms of what I write, but I honestly believe it's one of the main flaws of humanity... we want what we can't have. And therefore naturally, if we can't have a person in our lives, well, it just makes us want them all the more.


So how to remedy the situation? Well, you can't for starters. Life isn't a fairytale (contrary to my frequent protests), and the majority of the time we can't have our way and take our Edward Cullens all for ourselves! There's a reason it's called fiction ;) What we have to accept is, we have to appreciate what we have, when we have it. If you want to experience unconditional, irrevocable, impossible love... I suggest you whip out a book!

Doesn't mean we can't dream though, eh ;) x

Relate,

It's come to my attention that actually, a hell of a lot of people read this blog! Well, at least a hell of a lot more people than I thought, so in which case - Hello people :)


It did get me thinking though... (oh mann, not AGAIN!) - what is it that's draws you to read anothers blog? I know I've said why I got one in the first place several times before, but why do I read others, and others read mine? Particularly ones by people that I know - when I could just talk to them and find out for myself what's going on in their own little world!


But I think - and remember that this is only my opinion - that people read blogs (especially nonsense ramblings like mine), much like they listen to music or look at paintings. It's all about how you relate to it. Like right now, maybe you've read something I've written and it applies to you somehow, maybe that makes you feel a little less alone that somewhere out there is thinking and feeling exactly the same way... I know thats a thought that comforts me quite a lot.

Cheesy, I know...

But like I said, the music we listen to says a lot about our personality - you know I love my quotes and you'll know if you read a lot of what I write, the majority of those quotes come from Love Never Dies, the sequel to Phantom of the Opera, (which coincidently I'll be watching for the 5th time next week!! It only came out last year.. safe to say, I'm obsessed :P). So why do the quotes appeal to me? I think they speak a lot of the truth - there's actually a song in it called "The Beauty Underneath" - hence the name of this blog! And of course, the hero[/villian?] of the story wears a mask - to hide from the cruelties of the world. Because of his diformities, people treat him like a monster, and eventually, he becomes the monster he believes he must be - it's a tragic story, and in Psychology they call it Self Fulfilling Prophecy.

A song we looked at in Psychology, it's called Self Fulfilling Prophecy, by Maria Mena - give it a listen, it's sad but it sort of outlines the concept.

So why do I listen to it? Why do I relate?! I'm hardly a murdering genius with a hole in my face and a love for a ditzy opera singer - no no, I like a lot of the message behind it. I like the whole thought of looking for what's behind the mask, and the fact that despite the terrible things he's done, despite his appearance - that right at the end, you're actually sad he loses. You want him to find the love he so desperatly craves - you want him to have that chance of happiness - and that's good, isn't it? To appreciate beauty that's not almost apparant to the naked eye?


It's the same with art you know. I could stare at George Frederik Watts painting, Dame Ellen Terry for hours - it's beautiful, there's no denying it. But it's only when you dig further you find out it's actually a painting of his young wife, she was just 17 and she later became a famous actress. She cheated on her husband several times and they were divorced, but when he painted her all he knew what that he was passionatly in love - and that, that moment, is captured perfectly. Here, see...

So do I care that my music and art aren't exactly "cool"? Of course not. It's up to me, surely?! Perhaps I'm just "goony", but maybe, just maybe, music isn't about listenning what everyone else is listenning to? Maybe it can be about something that really matters to you, something you can't listen to without even changing the way you breathe! Something that stops your heart, makes you cry, makes you laugh? Makes you feel.


I just think it's important, that's all.

"Stranger than you dreamt it,
Can you even dare to look,
or bare to think of me:
this loathsome gargoyle, who burns in hell,
but secretly yearns for heaven,
secretly... secretly...
Christine...

Fear can turn to love - you'll learn to see
to find the man behind the monster:
this repulsive carcass, who seems a beast
but secretly dreams of beauty,
secretly... secretly...
Oh, Christine..."

Phantom of the Opera

Empty

You know it's funny, I've been looking forward to this moment, and now it's here.. I feel ...empty.

This made me laugh :'D

So many things are like that in my life right now... I know that's not necessarily a bad thing, things always get better of course, I'm not TRYING to wallow lol! It's just... I've been waiting for some test results from the doctors for quite some time now. I've been expecting to hear the worst (the worst in this case being endemitriosis or infertility) - just so that that way there'd be no way I'd be dissapointed when the results came through- because it was 95% certain to be some sort of infection - easily curable, easily dealt with. I never knew how to cope with hearing "Nothing". They found absolutly nothing. No reason for my pain, no reason for the hurt. I'm scared it was all in my mind, that I did this to myself. And now there's no biological reason for me to need to go back to the doctors... But I'm still hurting. It's still there.

From Zindy Zone - I've copied a load of her work..

It's infuriating.

And I know, I should be greatful that it's nothing serious. If they couldn't find anything in the tests, I'm sure there's nothing really wrong. But it's the "unknown" that frightens me most - always has done, and I fear always will do.

Fear is a horrible thing, sadly it rules most of my life. I hate the boxes I'm confined in, but I'm too scared to search outside the boxes.... I know that's probably just a typical teenage girl reaction - I know it's just silly. But it's how I feel sometimes.

And now school is about to come to an end. It's been 7 years - there's been good times and bad - tears and laughter, love and heartbreak etc...and now it's about to end. And what do I feel? I don't know. I don't know how to feel. I've been there for so long it's almost like a second home - somewhere familiar - somewhere I finally feel confident - yes, even me! And now, just when I've matured enough to realise that, it's time to go. And as exciting as it is to move on - it's terrifying. I wish I could say I was ready to move on, but I've never felt so small in all my life.

 

So how do I feel? Empty. Not good, nor bad. Just Empty.