Empty

You know it's funny, I've been looking forward to this moment, and now it's here.. I feel ...empty.

This made me laugh :'D

So many things are like that in my life right now... I know that's not necessarily a bad thing, things always get better of course, I'm not TRYING to wallow lol! It's just... I've been waiting for some test results from the doctors for quite some time now. I've been expecting to hear the worst (the worst in this case being endemitriosis or infertility) - just so that that way there'd be no way I'd be dissapointed when the results came through- because it was 95% certain to be some sort of infection - easily curable, easily dealt with. I never knew how to cope with hearing "Nothing". They found absolutly nothing. No reason for my pain, no reason for the hurt. I'm scared it was all in my mind, that I did this to myself. And now there's no biological reason for me to need to go back to the doctors... But I'm still hurting. It's still there.

From Zindy Zone - I've copied a load of her work..

It's infuriating.

And I know, I should be greatful that it's nothing serious. If they couldn't find anything in the tests, I'm sure there's nothing really wrong. But it's the "unknown" that frightens me most - always has done, and I fear always will do.

Fear is a horrible thing, sadly it rules most of my life. I hate the boxes I'm confined in, but I'm too scared to search outside the boxes.... I know that's probably just a typical teenage girl reaction - I know it's just silly. But it's how I feel sometimes.

And now school is about to come to an end. It's been 7 years - there's been good times and bad - tears and laughter, love and heartbreak etc...and now it's about to end. And what do I feel? I don't know. I don't know how to feel. I've been there for so long it's almost like a second home - somewhere familiar - somewhere I finally feel confident - yes, even me! And now, just when I've matured enough to realise that, it's time to go. And as exciting as it is to move on - it's terrifying. I wish I could say I was ready to move on, but I've never felt so small in all my life.

 

So how do I feel? Empty. Not good, nor bad. Just Empty.