Conversations,

I've been thinking a lot recently about various "conversations" I had with several people not so long ago. The reason being? Well, I had one of my major freak out sessions one or two days ago, and it suprised me, as it always does - what a truly awful person I can be.

See, sometimes it's not all that bad. But sometimes it really, really is. I've been known to write all kinds of angry rant letters to pretty much everyone - teachers, friends, boyfriends, family members - once even to myself ha!

But the difference is with writing to myself - no one gets hurt. As for the people I do hurt? They usually don't tell me. Not for days, weeks, months - even years to come, all the while they were thinking "Wow, she really hurt me" and wouldn't say a word, and I would have no idea I'd cut them so deeply, because I would always know I was just angry or frustrated, and just needed to get everything out of my system. I always knew that no matter how much I said, no matter how extreme it was - it never really meant that much to me.

Ain't that always the question, eh?!

So WHY SAY IT?

Ain't that the ultimate question huh?! It's what I'm asking myself write now - why on earth say these things that don't even matter, if it's a risk of hurting the other person?And I questionned myself and I scrutinised myself and the conclusion

was even more pathetic.

Because then "THEY KNOW". They know what I'm thinking, no matter how awful it might be to them - I don't lie. But though I may never act on what I'm thinking or say it to their face, at least they know that I'm angry. Because for some screwed up reason, teh thought that I might be angry at someone and they not know about it is impossible to me!! And how awful is that!!!! To yell at someone just because your pissed off - potentially get angry at them for something they haven't even done - usually I get MOST angry when I'm yelling at people about things that I'VE done! Pathetic.

So I need to put this right. I came to the shock of my life when at my little brothers birthday party my family and friends were casually discussing how horrible I was to all of them, what mean things I say and do, how I see to almost enjoy putting them down. I had no idea I'd made that impression, I assumed they'dve known I didn't really mean any of it. Apparantly not.

I always try to do my best, do what's right. The problem with my best, is it's often not good enough. I've often tried to give advice, cheer people up, help them "see the light" but it's amazing that I believe I have any right to give that advice when I can't take it - just as much as it's amazing that I dish out all this shit but when someone has a go at me - I can't take it.

I've refferenced this quote before, and I will again I'm sure:

"Sticks and stones may break our bones,
But words can break hearts."