What's in a face?

Well hey there everybody!! 


For those of you who actually bother to read this, you may be wondering where on earth I've been! To be honest, I sort of gave up on the whole concept of blogging, as all my thoughts have pretty much been the same despite all that happened over the last month or so. All I will say, is - I found an old poem! Haha, it's awful, I wrote it a fair while back for an English thing in the style of Simon Armitage that I based on a story I'd read in the paper... Anyways, enjoy!

What’s in a face?

What can I say?

What’s in a face?

Nose pressed to the glass of her laptop screen,

the one she’s had since she was barely 13,

She remembers the day, remembers the scene

like it was only yesterday he stole

Her heart.

They’d talk every night until early morning.

Sleep didn’t seem to matter anymore, yawning

she stumbled round the kitchen, grabbing at toast

and applying her liner, ready to boast

of the guy she’d just met – how gorgeous he was!

But she wouldn’t tell everything, simply because

she only knew him through a friend

of a friend of a friend. They wouldn’t understand.

But that didn’t matter. She knew him.

He was different.

She was different.

That day he’d asked for her number, so they

could text. She didn’t even stop to contemplate,

clumsily punching the digits.  Ready to burst

she thought almost at once of her very first

kiss-  How they’d meet, how she’d smile,

how they’d talk, how he’d joke, and how after a while,

The lights would dim, the violins would play,

the fireworks would “bang!” and then quietly he’d say

“I love you.” And he would, she knew him.

He was special.

She felt special.

They arranged to meet, the date was set

as she put on her lip gloss, and when they met-

she suddenly realised who he was. Not a friend

or a lover, or even a boy. And this was the end

of her prized virginity. One weak moment of disbelief

was enough to rob her of her movement

and it was this he took to his advantage

as his hands moved to pull up the hem of her skirt...

But that didn’t matter. He didn’t know her.

He was laughing.

She was crying.

Nose pressed to the glass of her laptop screen,

the one she’s had since she was barely 13,

she remembers the day, remembers the scene

like it was only yesterday he stole

Her innocence.

What can I say?

What’s in a face?

Recently,

Well, I've noticed that I talk to much, so I though for once I'll let the pictures do the talking, and tell you of some of the things I've been up to :)

"Two lovers born to share their fate,
One born of love, one born of hate"
- cheesy, eh ;)

So, this is a mini sketch book, and drawings of the two main characters in my little story I was talking about before - I don't know why I drew them, I only really wrote that story over two days and I stopped writing before the two main characters had even met, but I decided to kinda bring them together on the page I guess haha!! As you can pretty much tell from the drawings, they're basically crossed over versions from all of my favourite stories and therefore all my favourite heroes and heroines - see how they look a little like Edward and Bella, but a little like Christine and Phantom? Incase you're wondering, the guy has no eyes - hence all the dark shading - they were burnt out, gruesome, eh ;) Anyway, if I ever do get around to letting these two characters meet, I'll do some new drawings :P

So, the above is a picture of a pretty purple flower that I took for an art project I'm about to start, in which I need to have 10 photographs and 10 drawings based on a theme. Due to my obsession with hidden beauty, I thought I'd do something along those lines - I spent ages looking up quotes and definitions on what other artists class as "beautiful", and then went and frolicked in the garden with my camera ;) Why this flower? I think it's just the fact that's it's IMperfect - it's not exactly right, some of the petals are torn and frayed, it's a little off centre, the balance of the petals is a little wrong - but I still think it's beautiful. Perhaps I'm just a little bit weird, but I think it's in the fragility of it, and the subtly of the colour - I just love it :) It's perfect in it's own right for what it is - in it's simplicity :)

Ahh come on, you knew it was coming!! This is the magnificent actor Tam Mutu, who's been playing Phantom in Love Never Dies recently in the place of my beloved Ramin Karimloo - I've now seen the play 6 times and I'm going to the final show - and possibly another time inbetween with my brothers. Honestly since the very first time I watched it last year in March, it's taken me through some of the most incredibble times of my life, it's been like the theme music of my happiest and saddest year and I'm so greatful to it - it's always been there to show me what's most important. Besides the whole soppiness of it, it really is a magnificent show. The colour, the lights, the effects - it's all increddible, and the MUSIC is second to none. I could listen to "Til I hear you Sing" ten times over in that theatre and be sitting on the edge of my seat the entire time - it's completly thrilling for me!! A little embarassing, but I really do love it, it'll be sad to see it go :(

And there you go! Besides that, it's been a lot of cinema trips with my lovely friend Katie, and trips around the shops with my family. No holidays or anything, I just don't think the family could handle that right now, and one more month left until I go on to Bournemouth! Wish me luck..

Memory,

This song was in my head all last night - it's a beautiful song that everyone knows but no one ever really LISTENS to it, you have to really listen hard to every note, every word. Notice how the words actually fit the notes? It's very clever :) Anyway - I enjoy it, so listen up ;) x

Memory,
Turn your face to the moonlight
Let your memory lead you
Open up, enter in
If you find there the meaning of what happiness is
Then a new life will begin

Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again

Burnt out ends of smoky days
The stale cold smell of morning
The streetlamp dies, another night is over
Another day is dawning

Daylight
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I musn't give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin

Sunlight through the trees in summer
Endless masquerading
Like the flower as the dawn is breaking
The memory is fading

Touch me
It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me
You'll understand what happiness is

Look
A new day has begun

Same old story,

A must see film btw! Such a twist at the end!!

Hello again, remember me?


I've barely written this month, which is funny actually because I've had barely anything to do, I've litterally been bored out of my brains! I think it's because I often use this blog as a distraction, a place to vent - but at the moment I don't really have anything new or interesting to rant about - it's all the same old stuff!!


So in a moment of procrastination I decided to write a short story - I tend to be quite a creative person and I had time to kill, so I figured, ya know - why not?


Funny thing is, it quickly became a much longer story, I got a little bit too into it and ended up spending pretty much most of my day and the day after writing it, and have actually written almost 10,000 words! My bad!

Now don't get too excited, I'm not going to post it on here - it's hardly a good story, nor is it original or special in anyway - it's more like a crossover of all my favourite stories mixed up into one - Harry Potter, Twilight, Charmed, Phantom etc etc... they're all in there!


Naturally being me, the story is all about love - how predictable. It's also about a person who see's himself as ugly, and a beautiful girl see's him for who he really is - again, how predictable. It's also about how good conquers evil, prejudice, magic and psychology - again, is this sounding familiar to you?


But you know what, at the moment, I quite like predictable! I like the fact that in this crazy world, at least I'm staying the same - everythings moving and changing and I can't keep up with it, and sometimes I don't even want to. I'd rather just shut myself off completly.

I'm not crying,

This song, is just... amazing lol, it makes me laugh so much!! It's a parody, so please don't take it too seriously, but it's a song a friend of mine sent me ages ago to try and cheer me up and I was reminded of it again the other day, and thought I'd share it with you :

Here we go again,

So, for those of you who read this regularly or know me well will've realised that I haven't written in a fair while - or at least I'm not writing as much anyway! It's half way through the month and I'm pretty sure this is only my 3rd post - shockingly well contained for someone like little me!

Truth is, I've been keeping things on the down low for a while. About a week back I went through a pretty dark couple of days - and the funniest part is I'm not actually sure WHY!! Looking back it all seems so silly, but I guess it was just a lot of little things, a lot of things that I was scared about - yes, typical teenagery girl things, but also some "situational issues" that I won't go into on here - and basically, the world felt like it was crumbling around me... I know, melodramatic right?! But I hated the freakin' world for putting me in that position, I cancelled seeing anyone I was going to see, I stopped answering texts - I stopped leaving my room for a couple of days in a sort of trance, twas strange, twas very strange indeed...

It would've been fine if I didn't have people texting me every 5 seconds asking what was up, and the people I cancelled on asking what was happening - what could I say?! "Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I'm busy hating the universe today, call back later..." --> not so much.

Well, I stayed away from people because I know what I do when I get in a horrendous state like that - get very very very very angry and yell like theres no tomorrow- and I can't afford to argue with any of my friends now, I need them. But the problem was, when I didn't talk to anyone about it, I became more and more irratated with myself, and next thing I knew I was looking in my reflection in the mirror after my shower, and I had all these nasty little scratches on my back - just like black swan nonetheless =.= (last thing you wanna be comparing yourself to!!)

This didn't exactly make me feel any better! I'm not a self harmer, I don't do that - appart from anything else I'm scared of pain!! But I was so frustrated with everything and so hot and bothered I'd been itching myself for days and apparantly not noticed what I was doing to myself :S That was my wake up call - I immediatly got on the phone to everyone, arranged to meet up with my dear friend Kitkat the next day, and as always, life moved on - the whole incident went unoticed, which I think is a good thing methinks :)

This is life... moving on apparantly haha!

I also had a go at writing my own version of "My Fairytale" - having read a post for the dear Rachel Bax - though I don't think I'd ever post that on here, I wouldn't be doing anyone any favours!! And I've been working on a self portrait, it's come to a halt recently, I need to get back into the swing of it, and I'm sure it'll come together in the end! Then I can finally start earning some money for dear old Bournemouth - yaayyyy :( Not so excited yet - but I'm laying all my hopes for happiness in it, so it better be good ;)

So anyway - hello again - in the near future I hope to write stuff that isn't quite so personal and self sympathetic - I think the world has enough of those people without me being one of them too.. let's hope I can pull myself outta this one quickly so I can move the hell on...

Just a little something,

This is a poem I wrote just now, some of these phrases have been buzzing around my head all day - it's about so many different things that are going on in my life, even though it's very small, short and sweet - and seems to be on one particular "romantic" track - so it may suprise you to know it's not actually about that! In short I think it just sort of sums up me and the way I view myself - enjoy ;) xx

Those who dream by day and night,

And live upon a cloud,

Let their hearts soar higher than those,

Who keep their feet upon the ground.

Though listen still, my little friend,

Not all is simple as it seems...

As hearts are often hurt and broken,

In those who dwell on dreams.   

Thoughts,

We actually have a copy of this painting at our house..

To those of you who've read my blogs on a fairly regular basis will know I've been quiet for quite a while for me. That's because over the last couple of days in particular, I've actually written many blogs, and deemed them all "unsuitable" to actually go ahead and post.


You see, the reason I made this blog is written in my first post - because I wanted somewhere I could post my thoughts and feelings etc etc... however by then posting some of my blogs on facebook I really didn't help matters, because of course loads of my friends and family read this and therefore I can't really share any genuine feelings at all.


So, nothing on my mind can really be shared here. So what will I talk about? Who knows. All I can say is I'm not in the best of places right now and I have too much to say, therefore I won't be saying anything at all. I'll probably come back to writing blogs when I'm a little cheerier, in what I hope to be the near future!


I think I'm going to try and do some more painting, thought I seem to be lacking motivation at the moment, I can't seem to concentrate on anything at all really - so wish me luck! I'll see you soon. xx

25 things,

In my efforts of procrastination I discovered some very old "notes" on facebook I wrote over the last 2/3 years - and I find it amazing how much I've changed in such a short period of time!! That in mind, I came accross one note called "25 things" - and I thought I'd give it a go!

So here it goes: 25 things you don't know about me

1. My main fear is "the unknown" - that covers so many things I can't even tell you, including any simple thing I've never done before - eg; driving to someone's house I've never been too. If it's something relativly small I can usually just pull myself together and battle it through but sometimes if I don't control myself quickly enough I have been known to hyperventilate and really make myself quite ill with worry :S Not good!

2. Having said the above ^^ I would love to jump out of a plane someday - provided I jump with someone else!! My biggest fear is death (the greatest unknown) and therefore I'd like to know that someone was going to prevent that from happening!

3. I've been involved in various groups in my time : I was a member of the "Fab 4" when I was at Barfield (aged 8-11 ish) and when I met my dearest Goth friends in 5th form we made an imginary group called "Fates Goldfish" - don't worry, we didn't write anything!! It was just a private joke..

4. I'VE been known to write things though.. poems, songs, stories - you name it, I've written it. Sometimes it's just a creative outbirst, sometimes there's just things I want to say and no way to say it, I guess it's just the way I am - I've been trying to write a song for months now to clear my head but I can't seem to word it right... If I ever do actually write the stupid song I'll post the lyrics and maybe the music with it on here!

5. I love biscuits like no one else you've ever met in your life. Infact, when the art department stopped getting biscuits every five minutes I actually lost a dramatic amount of weight and people kept commenting.. I just can't help it! Biscuits and hot chocolate are just simply UNBEATABLE.

6. My diet is horrendous. This isn't a secret, but one secret is I don't think I've eaten a fruit for several years now, and forget about vegetables! I live on a diet of  breakfast (croissants, brioche, toast, cereal, french toash), sandwiches (only cheese), crisps, BBQ (hotdogs, burgers) and fish and chip shop chips - I litterally don't think I eat anything else... wow.

7. Having said the above my health has never really suffered from this diet, although I think I have a really fast heart rate (though it's hard to measure as every time I try I get nervous and therefore it beats faster.. go figure) - my health DOES suffer when something emotional goes on my life - ie. stress. For the past sort of 6 months I've had various problems with my ovaries etc etcc.... which is sorted out now as I'm trying my best to calm myself down and think about what I say, and how I say it - and trying not to take everything to heart. Family, friends, relationships, work, future etc etcc.... they all contribute to me freaking out and as a consequence I've done some pretty stupid things indeed - things I couldn't talk about to anyone.

8. I have a hundred different faces. I'd like to think there are good sides to me - I can be miserable, pathetic, useless, lazy, loving, giving, bubbly, funny, caring, outrageously with innuendoes, conservative, creative, numb, scared, inconsoleable, deep, shallow, easily pleased, childish, selfish... Gosh there are so many. It all depends when you meet me and who you are.

9. My music taste is awful, and I don't have a favourite song - My sister is trying to make me cooler by listenning to her chart music but basically I listen to songs from musicals or film music - I do have the occasional "normal" song on my ipod but the majority is disney songs and show music - particularly phantom of the opera and love never dies - which I have now seen 5 times and I intend to see at least twice more before it's cut in August :( .

10. I adore Twilight, though I can't bring myself to read it anymore as everytime I do I get too caught up in it and end up litterally mourning it for a couple of days afterwards - ridiculous huh. That books shouldn't been written in first person, it's unfair to let someone like me fall in love with a fictional character :') ! Instead I love to read Harry Potter which just NEVER gets old, and I've recently been reading through my old english books - I read Short Cuts the other day - weird book, I don't recommend it!

11. There are also several other film stars I adore mainly for the roles they play  -Gerard Butler (picture above!!) being WAAYYYYY up there as NOT ONLY did he play Phantom in the film version, but he also played Gerry in Ps I love you which is a beautiful film. I also love the guy in the Notebook and I ADORE Ewan McGreggor in Moulin Rouge - he makes me smile a lot :')

12. This list is just one of many many many examples of how I talk far too much, my head just doesn't think in short precise sentences it just spews out endless ramblings - I can't help it!! If you ever get me angry, I'll probably write you an email (I can't argue in person, I get a stutter and my voice goes freakishly high), and it might go on  for PAGES. I've actually been known to write a 12 page text before. Seriously.

13. I can't get angry at people face to face unless I am beyond furious. I'm gettin less great at holding back the tears nowadays though, I used to be unable to cry infront of people too - I guess I'm just weaker or perhaps I have more things to be sad about - either way, I've changed over the last two years but over all I think it's for the better - even if I am mushier and more reflective.

14. My favourite numbers are any combination of the numbers 1, 2 and 3. (21, 22, 13, 12, 123 etc...) And I'm afraid of COURSE, knowing me the reason for them being my favourite numbers is for soppy romantic reasons I probably shouldn't discuss on here! If  you're desperate to know I guess you can ask me in your spare time lol!

15. I like to think of myself as someone who doesn't judge others on their appearance but I cannot bare the "orange" look - you know the one, fake lashes, pale pink lipstick, florescent orange

skin, yellow hair - why if someone WORE those colours together does it clash, but if it's on your face it's apparantly acceptable?! I just don't get it. I prefer natural beauty.  (watch that video!!! hilarious!!!)

16. I was an extremely prejudiced person who cared an awful lot about what people thought of me until I was 16/17 (and yes, I'm only 18 now... so it's a pretty recent phenomenon!!) when I met a beautiful friend of mine who taught me it's what's on the inside that counts - something I treat as a law to live by nowadays, when you ignore  peoples outward appearances at first you get to meet a whole lot of beautiful people.

17. My favourite feature in a guy is their eyes, hands down - no question. I've heard all sorts of weird things about what other girls like in a guys appearance and to be honest I raise my eyebrows at their romantic choices as much as they raise their eyebrows at mine! The thing is though, eyes are most important as their the windows to the soul. You can tell so much about a person through their eyes.

18. Outright rudeness upsets me to the point that sometimes I feel literally ILL. I can't handle people shouting out things about other people when they're RIGHT THERE, I just can't. As a paranoid person myself I couldn't bare to think of anyone talking in a negative way about me really loudly in a public place. I'd rather they just quietly came to me, one on one, and we shared our expressed differences.

19. My favourite colour in the whole wide world is sky blue - the kind of blue you get on a perfect sunny day, and look straight up - it's SO DEEP, you can't paint a colour like that, it's just too perfect.

20. When I'm sad I reminice to remind myself I wasn't always this way. It's proabably a slightly counter productive way of looking at things but hey - at least I get a few laughs in at myself on the way.

21. I'm willing to bet the top 5 days in my life were all romantickyy ones - how sad is that?!?! I'm a romantic at heart so I guess it just has a massive effect on me, and I also guess that's why I don't do so well with break ups, though I'm certianly getting much better at it! Of course I have increddible days with my friends though, and in the end they're the one who get me through it all :) love you all dearly :D

22. I cry like no one else you've ever met, usually over absolutly nothing at all, or the smallest things you can possibly imagine. I am a total wetbag.

23. I work as a maid at the hotel, a job I hate and I'm hoping I can quit as soon as possible, infact I'm hoping they just don't ring me back!! I've been working thre for 2 years as a housekeeper and you have to deal with every bodily fluid you can possibly imagine - and I MEAN every bodily fluid. Seriously. I've seen it all.

24. When I'm too upset to reminice, another thing I do is play the Sims 2 - how weird is that right?! I guess the reason I do it is because at least then I know how to suceed in the game, I know how to do well, I know how to get everything you want, you can make money just appear with a cheat, you can make the perfect perosn for someone and just make sure they magically end up meeting and give them as many kids as you want and you basically control all variables  - you can't do that in real life, and sometimes I wish I could. I always feel so out of control and confused the whole freakin time!!

25. The last one, finally! The reason I want to teach art. A lot of people laugh when they find out the plans for my future but it all seems pretty simple to me. a.) I've had awful teachers over my artistic career and I really believe it's a subject that everyone can get  into, everyone can express themselves and find out things about themselves that they never even knew, b.) I love kids, I've been surrounded my my little siblings my whole life, and to be honest they're a whole lot less complicated than adults seem to be - they're just easier to talk to. I know people see my chosen proffession as a "pisstake".. but just because it's not achademic doesn't mean the fact that I'm good at it is worthless.

If you guys are regular readers of my blog you'll be well aware of many of these things so I hope you weren't too bored, but I certainly was, hence this list!! And now you know me just that little bit better ;) xxx



Something that scares you,

This post is about a card I received this morning from Teresa (a family friend) and I'm sure she'll read this at somepoint!! I just want to say thankyou first of all, it was such a sweet gesture and it means a lot that someone thinks so much of me! The card I was sent is shown to the right, and reads "Do one thing every day that cares you" - Eleanor Roosevelt.

And I hope she's not offended that I'm making this public but inside it read;

"Dear Jenni, I had this card because I love the sentiment - and honestly wish I was brave enough to live by it!! But I think of you, and your exams, and your courage and the honesty in your blogs and your growing up - and thought you may understand it :) Lots of Love, Teresa xxx"

So, naturally, I've been thinking about what that statement really means - and do I live by it? Well first of all - NO! Haha, I'm far too comfortable (well, I say that but being me I'm never comfortable with anything!) in my own little cozy world to do anything too outrageous, and any time I do attempt to do something that petrifies me I'm often crucified in the process - still, it's not like I'll ever REGRET those decisions - it's the big ones that usually have the most impact on your life, if you don't fight for things every now and again then.. well to be honest, what's the point?!

Now the funny thing about me is - I'd love to jump out of a plane for example, I think that'd be amazing - such an adventure! HOWEVER, I hate driving my car to peoples houses - expecially when there are other people in the car - because a.) I could kill them, b.) I could kill me, and c.) I might get lost, and if I get lost... well I'll probably hyperventilate or something ridiculous - perhaps I ought to gain a  little perspective! I'm a relativly competent driver but I've gained an awful repuation mainly because I don't drive a lot - I always try to avoid it, I hate that people comment on my driving, it drives me round the bend !! It's just like Jeeeeze LEAVE ME BE, I'll do it in my own time.. I'm just frightenned, that's all.

The problem is with the card I received is that as much as that'd be such an adventure, I litterally don't think I could cope with it - I have a pretty weak heart and so many things scare me and the panic does me no good - and for those of you reading who think I'm stress free, you're right - and that makes me even more stressy about me being stressed- you follow?

Perhaps I should try though? Really get out of my comfort zone.. I suppose it has to start sometime. I just wish things didn't all have to change so suddenly NOW, when I'm so so SO not ready for it.

Flying,

Just really wanted to post this picture - pretty huh :)

Standing on the edge,

I'm feeling the need to write something as I've now finnished my exams and I'm feeling an extreme lack of purpose as I haven't really made any plans yet! - I'll do my best ;)

It's a strange feeling, the end. I mean it's not QUITE the end of school yet, but it IS the end of exams for me as I'll be going on to do an Art Foundation - no more written papers for me!

But instead of feeling like I have the whole summer of freedom ahead of me, I feel... strange. I guess the only way I can describe it is it's as if I'm standing on the edge of a very very very tall cliff looking down at the water beneath me... yes, it's exciting, exhilirating - but just as frightenning.  And the way I see it is - I have two choices in such a situation: I could fall... Or I could jump.

And I come to the conclusion, it's probably a little more pro-active if I jump - jump at chances, jump at opportunities, get out there and do something... However, I'm currently having a(nother) PJ day, that can wait a little longer ;)

"Should I choose the smoothest course

Steady as the beating drum?
Should I marry Kocoum?
Is all my dreaming at an end?
Or do you still wait for me, dream-giver,

Just around the river bend? "

-Pochontas

Conflict,

Do you know those days where it just feels like you can do no right??

Welcome to some of my more recent inner dialogue, Enjoy!:

Like right now Jen, you should be revising - but no, you can't, because you're thinking about so many other things that revising would just be stupid, it would be make your head explode and nothing would go in anyway- but no, you should, you have one more exam left and if you don't get an A you'll never forgive yourself for not doing yourself justice - but no, you can't be bothered, you're tired and lazy by nature, why not just accept you're going to do badly and face the cold hard facts, you're teacher said the last exam didn't seem so bad and you thought it was a nightmare, stop kidding yourself, you're not as good as you think so why even bother trying  - why bother trying?! because you need to get the grades! they're for your future!! How are you supposed to get anywhere you want to go if you don't have the stupid grades to get a decent job, this is your entire future you're talking about here - yes, you're entire future, and all you want to do is grow up, get married, have children and live in some little fairy world.. Jen, you don't exactly need grades for that - you can survive on your own you know?! You have done before, you don't need anyone, you can do whatever you want to do with your own bloody life - oh CAN you? Let's be honest dear, we BOTH know that's not true... You're hopeless...

I hope you followed that! Basically, I just want to put out there that no, I am NOT schizophrenic - I've just been having a lot of conflicting thoughts recently and it's clogging up my head a little... Infact if I'm honest theres a lot of conflict everywhere I go, in everything I do, in every word I say and in every word I hear - and I'm getting pretty damn tired of being torn appart all over the place...

I'm sorry this particular post isn't particularly conclusive... but with so many arguements in my head I'm affraid I'm fresh out of solutions.

Conversations,

I've been thinking a lot recently about various "conversations" I had with several people not so long ago. The reason being? Well, I had one of my major freak out sessions one or two days ago, and it suprised me, as it always does - what a truly awful person I can be.

See, sometimes it's not all that bad. But sometimes it really, really is. I've been known to write all kinds of angry rant letters to pretty much everyone - teachers, friends, boyfriends, family members - once even to myself ha!

But the difference is with writing to myself - no one gets hurt. As for the people I do hurt? They usually don't tell me. Not for days, weeks, months - even years to come, all the while they were thinking "Wow, she really hurt me" and wouldn't say a word, and I would have no idea I'd cut them so deeply, because I would always know I was just angry or frustrated, and just needed to get everything out of my system. I always knew that no matter how much I said, no matter how extreme it was - it never really meant that much to me.

Ain't that always the question, eh?!

So WHY SAY IT?

Ain't that the ultimate question huh?! It's what I'm asking myself write now - why on earth say these things that don't even matter, if it's a risk of hurting the other person?And I questionned myself and I scrutinised myself and the conclusion

was even more pathetic.

Because then "THEY KNOW". They know what I'm thinking, no matter how awful it might be to them - I don't lie. But though I may never act on what I'm thinking or say it to their face, at least they know that I'm angry. Because for some screwed up reason, teh thought that I might be angry at someone and they not know about it is impossible to me!! And how awful is that!!!! To yell at someone just because your pissed off - potentially get angry at them for something they haven't even done - usually I get MOST angry when I'm yelling at people about things that I'VE done! Pathetic.

So I need to put this right. I came to the shock of my life when at my little brothers birthday party my family and friends were casually discussing how horrible I was to all of them, what mean things I say and do, how I see to almost enjoy putting them down. I had no idea I'd made that impression, I assumed they'dve known I didn't really mean any of it. Apparantly not.

I always try to do my best, do what's right. The problem with my best, is it's often not good enough. I've often tried to give advice, cheer people up, help them "see the light" but it's amazing that I believe I have any right to give that advice when I can't take it - just as much as it's amazing that I dish out all this shit but when someone has a go at me - I can't take it.

I've refferenced this quote before, and I will again I'm sure:

"Sticks and stones may break our bones,
But words can break hearts."

Reminiscing,

In a time in my life where so much is moving so fast, I took a moment to sit still and reminisce. In the still, quiet moment, I remembered a song which brought back so many other memories.. Hope you like! xx

What is perfection? Black Swan

Something that has been referred to as a "Psychological Thriller" - something my sister urged me to watch and my Mum told me though it would be shocking at the time, it's something that's thought provoking and I would appreciate it later... and it's true, I did.

It's actually everything I like to look for, especially that part of my that's intrested in pscyhology, it has almost everything - whip out your textbooks ladies and gentlemen - you'll find repression, regression, self fulfilling prophecy, hallucinations, possibly schizophrenia... the list is endless - it's increddible to watch, you have to really concentrate to understand exactly what's going on.

The central story is essentially the story of Swan Lake. A young beautiful virgin girl is trapped in the body of the White Swan, and only true love can set her free. As her prince is about to fall for her, her evil twin the Black Swan seduces her lover and takes him for her own - the White Swan, heart broken, kills herself - and in death she is finally free.

Of course, our dear "Nina Sayers" (Natalie Portman) embodies not only the White Swan but in the ballet she has to learn to play both, and in trying to embrace the seductive qualities of the Black Swan, it all but consumes her in her efforts to be "perfect".  - What is perfection?

It's a sad story, much like the original ballet - of course with the real twist of her litterally becoming a swan (in her mind at least) - growing feathers and red eyes etc etc... It's amazing to watch, someone making such a psychological, physiological and emotional development into an entirely different person - but I was left thinking at the end - was she worse off?

In the clip I show at the beginning of this post, you hear her mother asking "What happened to my sweet girl?" to which she replies "She's gone." ... But was she ever really so sweet?

There's light and dark in everyone. And by repressing any darkness at all, it's almost just as disturbing and embracing the darkness and letting it consume you. She's a twenty-something-year-old girl living with her mother in a pink bedroom with cuddly toys, and her mum cuts her nails... you just KNOW that's not right! Yet when she becomes the black swan... well she's clearly derranged then too.

I think it's important to accept that it's impossible to be completly perfect, and if it's at the expense of destroying your sanity, even your whole life - then it simply isn't worth it. We all have a white swan and a black swan within us. What matters is, when we look in the mirror, which side do we chose to be? 

Frustration

Main Entry:	frustration
Part of Speech:	noun
Definition:	disappointment, thwarting
Synonyms:	annoyance, bitter pill, blocking, blow, bummer, chagrin, circumvention, contravention, curbing, defeat, disgruntlement, dissatisfaction, downer, drag*, failure, fizzle, foiling, grievance, hindrance, impediment, irritation, letdown, nonfulfillment, nonsuccess, obstruction, old one-two, resentment, setback, unfulfillment, vexation

Reflection

I haven't written in a while. Infact I've been sort of quiet lately - and contrary to popular belief it's not because I'm some sort of social recluse or in "orbit" round the family unit (I guess what she meant by that was "lost and alone") but I guess I've just been in a period of reflection.

"Who is that girl I see,

Staring straight back at me,

Why is my reflection someone I don't know?

Somehow I cannot hide,

Who I am - though I've tried

When will my reflection show,

Who I am inside?"

Reflection - Mulan

Reflection is one of those things that fascinates me.

As with any of my little fascinations I have of course done an art project on it, but it's AWFUL so I won't post it ha! But someones reflection isn't always about what is shown in the mirror, but also what people see in themselves. (And for me, that's usually someone very pathetic and little - see the poem "1." ).

I've pretty much officially left LWC - I have to go back soon for exams but then that part of my life is over, and I'll have to say goodbye to many of my friends - one of which I've now already had to say my rather emotional goodbyes to - and I'm not ready for anymore yet.

ANYWAY the reason I bring up the leaving and the goodbyes is that we had to do something called a ""Leavers Book" - During this process I've read all sorts of lovely things about myself - thing's I'd never seen before, or things I'd always thought of as negative and they think it's admirable.

For example: I'm stubbourn. It doesn't matter if people don't understand why, if something matters to me for whatever reason I will not move an inch on the subject until I get my way, no matter how stupid I look in the process. I've always considerred that a bad quality to have in a person, cause it means I'm quite often dissapointed! But others call it a "Determination" to get "what's right".

So the long and short of it is, for Uni at least, I want to try and look at myself differently - stronger, more ready for anything life has to throw at me. I know I can do that - and on reflection, I'm not a weak as I used to be.