Impossible love,

Well, firstly I'd like to say a big thankyou to the lovely Missy Bax who's been telling everyone about my blog haha, she's been very supportive of me and I thank her for that - if you want to read her blog, follow this link: http://beautyinnegativethings.blogspot.com/


But now to the topic of today's ramblings... Impossible Love.

How cheesy, huh! Yes, I know, but it's something I've been thinking about a lot recently - but something I know all us ladies have a soft spot for ;)


After all, impossible love is our favourite love story, isn't it? Certainly is mine. It's always the two people who can't fall in love that you want to be together the most. And no, Phantom is NOT the only example (though of course it is one ;) ) But let's look at two other things I love (get ready for the internal groaning...)


Disney, and Twilight :P

Disney: When was there a couple who were SUPPOSED to fall in love that later did? Perhaps with the exception of Snow White and Sleeping Beauty - but those are a little sappy ;) The best love stories are the impossible ones, the one's that beat all odds and they push through to be together. Beauty and the Beast (a beautiful girl and a hideous monster), Aladdin (a street rat and a princess), The Little Mermaid (a mermaid and a prince), hell, even Shrek!!

And as for Twilight, I think we all know that Edward Cullen is hardly a "real" vampire as people enjoy telling me in desperate attempts to ruin my deep love for him :P (though let's be honest, "vampires" are fictional, there are no REAL vampires) But that's not the reason the girl's read the book. Girls read the book because though their situation seems impossible (I mean come on he's a freakin' vampire!), their love shines through, and they end up together, forever - the truest happy ending.

Go on, I dare you to find someone who doesn't want that!

So what is it about impossible love that makes us read on, what is it that makes it so compelling? I've touched on this idea before in terms of what I write, but I honestly believe it's one of the main flaws of humanity... we want what we can't have. And therefore naturally, if we can't have a person in our lives, well, it just makes us want them all the more.


So how to remedy the situation? Well, you can't for starters. Life isn't a fairytale (contrary to my frequent protests), and the majority of the time we can't have our way and take our Edward Cullens all for ourselves! There's a reason it's called fiction ;) What we have to accept is, we have to appreciate what we have, when we have it. If you want to experience unconditional, irrevocable, impossible love... I suggest you whip out a book!

Doesn't mean we can't dream though, eh ;) x

Relate,

It's come to my attention that actually, a hell of a lot of people read this blog! Well, at least a hell of a lot more people than I thought, so in which case - Hello people :)


It did get me thinking though... (oh mann, not AGAIN!) - what is it that's draws you to read anothers blog? I know I've said why I got one in the first place several times before, but why do I read others, and others read mine? Particularly ones by people that I know - when I could just talk to them and find out for myself what's going on in their own little world!


But I think - and remember that this is only my opinion - that people read blogs (especially nonsense ramblings like mine), much like they listen to music or look at paintings. It's all about how you relate to it. Like right now, maybe you've read something I've written and it applies to you somehow, maybe that makes you feel a little less alone that somewhere out there is thinking and feeling exactly the same way... I know thats a thought that comforts me quite a lot.

Cheesy, I know...

But like I said, the music we listen to says a lot about our personality - you know I love my quotes and you'll know if you read a lot of what I write, the majority of those quotes come from Love Never Dies, the sequel to Phantom of the Opera, (which coincidently I'll be watching for the 5th time next week!! It only came out last year.. safe to say, I'm obsessed :P). So why do the quotes appeal to me? I think they speak a lot of the truth - there's actually a song in it called "The Beauty Underneath" - hence the name of this blog! And of course, the hero[/villian?] of the story wears a mask - to hide from the cruelties of the world. Because of his diformities, people treat him like a monster, and eventually, he becomes the monster he believes he must be - it's a tragic story, and in Psychology they call it Self Fulfilling Prophecy.

A song we looked at in Psychology, it's called Self Fulfilling Prophecy, by Maria Mena - give it a listen, it's sad but it sort of outlines the concept.

So why do I listen to it? Why do I relate?! I'm hardly a murdering genius with a hole in my face and a love for a ditzy opera singer - no no, I like a lot of the message behind it. I like the whole thought of looking for what's behind the mask, and the fact that despite the terrible things he's done, despite his appearance - that right at the end, you're actually sad he loses. You want him to find the love he so desperatly craves - you want him to have that chance of happiness - and that's good, isn't it? To appreciate beauty that's not almost apparant to the naked eye?


It's the same with art you know. I could stare at George Frederik Watts painting, Dame Ellen Terry for hours - it's beautiful, there's no denying it. But it's only when you dig further you find out it's actually a painting of his young wife, she was just 17 and she later became a famous actress. She cheated on her husband several times and they were divorced, but when he painted her all he knew what that he was passionatly in love - and that, that moment, is captured perfectly. Here, see...

So do I care that my music and art aren't exactly "cool"? Of course not. It's up to me, surely?! Perhaps I'm just "goony", but maybe, just maybe, music isn't about listenning what everyone else is listenning to? Maybe it can be about something that really matters to you, something you can't listen to without even changing the way you breathe! Something that stops your heart, makes you cry, makes you laugh? Makes you feel.


I just think it's important, that's all.

"Stranger than you dreamt it,
Can you even dare to look,
or bare to think of me:
this loathsome gargoyle, who burns in hell,
but secretly yearns for heaven,
secretly... secretly...
Christine...

Fear can turn to love - you'll learn to see
to find the man behind the monster:
this repulsive carcass, who seems a beast
but secretly dreams of beauty,
secretly... secretly...
Oh, Christine..."

Phantom of the Opera

Empty

You know it's funny, I've been looking forward to this moment, and now it's here.. I feel ...empty.

This made me laugh :'D

So many things are like that in my life right now... I know that's not necessarily a bad thing, things always get better of course, I'm not TRYING to wallow lol! It's just... I've been waiting for some test results from the doctors for quite some time now. I've been expecting to hear the worst (the worst in this case being endemitriosis or infertility) - just so that that way there'd be no way I'd be dissapointed when the results came through- because it was 95% certain to be some sort of infection - easily curable, easily dealt with. I never knew how to cope with hearing "Nothing". They found absolutly nothing. No reason for my pain, no reason for the hurt. I'm scared it was all in my mind, that I did this to myself. And now there's no biological reason for me to need to go back to the doctors... But I'm still hurting. It's still there.

From Zindy Zone - I've copied a load of her work..

It's infuriating.

And I know, I should be greatful that it's nothing serious. If they couldn't find anything in the tests, I'm sure there's nothing really wrong. But it's the "unknown" that frightens me most - always has done, and I fear always will do.

Fear is a horrible thing, sadly it rules most of my life. I hate the boxes I'm confined in, but I'm too scared to search outside the boxes.... I know that's probably just a typical teenage girl reaction - I know it's just silly. But it's how I feel sometimes.

And now school is about to come to an end. It's been 7 years - there's been good times and bad - tears and laughter, love and heartbreak etc...and now it's about to end. And what do I feel? I don't know. I don't know how to feel. I've been there for so long it's almost like a second home - somewhere familiar - somewhere I finally feel confident - yes, even me! And now, just when I've matured enough to realise that, it's time to go. And as exciting as it is to move on - it's terrifying. I wish I could say I was ready to move on, but I've never felt so small in all my life.

 

So how do I feel? Empty. Not good, nor bad. Just Empty.

What is Beautiful?

There's been a recurring theme in conversation these past few days, and I've been thinking on the topic of... *Duh Duh Duuuhhhh!!!!!*

Ahhhhhhhhhhh disney :)

Does appearance matter?

First of all, if you're wondering, this came up yesterday when my brother was talking about his English GCSE paper, and the fact that at the end there is an arguement section. He was argueing AGAINST pack lunches, as he said encouraging pack lunches is encouraging children to eat too much bad food and therefore the children are likely to put on excess weight - a very fair point, well done :)

However, he then continued on a point I found both offensive and yet undeniable - He said this was likely to cause issues to the individual students as they would then find it impossible to make friends as being overweight deters people from approaching them. BASICALLY  - if your fat/ugly, people want to stay away from you. He also stated that he'd had no idea how plain some of the girls he knew were in the absence of makeup, and was actually suprised when he saw their true faces... I'll come back to that later...

Now I personally, think this is positivly awful.
(No offence to my brother, he speaks the truth... I just don't like the truth)

Of course I do, I'm a "fairytale dreamer" kinda gal! - but I like to believe that there's always more to every story, always something to discover - uncover - and most importantly, I believe in the Beauty Underneath.

You cannot claim to know someone until you've actually tried to speak to them! Appearance shouldn't mean anything at all when you meet someone, and yet you see it all around you, 24/7 - heck, even though I hate it so much, I know that even I do it!

Eradicating prejudice is impossible - you cannot "BAN" thoughts, but perhaps you can change the way in which people think?

My friend Kit once did an exceptional Prideaux looking at S.O.P.H.I.E (the Sophie Lancaster Foundation, read this to know more about it : http://www.sophielancasterfoundation.com/) Looking at the tragic death of a girl purely because of her looks. It's a disgusting part of human nature, but an undeniable part nonetheless.

(part of the promotional video that kit showed in his presentation, it's probably on the website, give it a watch)

What is a "good appearance"? What makes one persons appearance better than anothers? What is "beautiful"? So much depends on our culture, on our personal beliefs, on our experiences - but who is to say what should be "beautiful"?

But what really gets me, is insecurities - what it does to people. Take makeup for example.

A girl feels insecure, she covers a face in foundation. Someone tells her she looks nice, she puts on more. Eventually she becomes so insecure she can't leave the house, because people ONLY compliment her WITH the makeup. What happens next? One day, for whatever reason, she DOESN'T wear make-up - EVERYONE comments on how weird she looks - self esteem plummets, the cycle continues.

Take girl number two. Girl number two has always been insecure, but seeing girl number 2 has seen number 1 wearing makeup and getting an amazing reaction, so she does the same - and the cycle continues as above.

WHY!? They were probably both beautiful in the first place, and doubtedly "needed" it. There's a difference between making yourself presentable and plastering yourself - thought I'm not saying it's not okay to do it every once in a while. How do you resolve this issue?  You tell them how beautiful they are. It's not hard. When you know someone that well, it's easy to see the Beauty Underneath.

My quote :

"Love isn't always Beautiful..

Not at the start -

So open your arms,

And close your eyes tight -

Look with your heart,

And when it finds love,

You're heart will be right."

- Look With Your Heart,

Love Never Dies.

(Yes Ramin, I'm a little bit in love with you :P)



Think of Me,

Think of me,

Think of me fondly when we've said goodbye.

Remember me,

Once in a while - please promise me you'll try.

When you find, that once again you long to take your heart back and be free,

If you ever find a moment, spare a thought for me.

We never said, our love was ever green,

Or as unchanging as the sea,

But if you can still remember, stop and think of me.

Think of all the things we've shared and seen-

Don't think about the ways things might have been.

Think of me,

Think of me waking silent and resigned..

Imagine me,

Trying too hard to put you from my mind!

Recall those days, look back on all those times,

Think of the things we'll never do,

There will never be a day, when I won't think of you!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXDonUxBxig

I remember, (my apology)

I know I like to rant about how life is so impossible to me. The truth is, I was the luckiest girl in the world, and probably still am – and I take everything for granted. And I’ll never be able to apologise enough for all the things I’ve done, but this blog – It’s for Max.

Me and my best friend ere' ;) must have been December in 2009 I believe,

before we got together, was a very funny day :)

I’ve done terrible things to you. I know I have Max, it’s no secret and don't argue. I know I like to tell people that we broke up cause you gave in, you didn’t care enough to fight (and referencing to blogs below apparently because you didn’t buy me presents much and you weren’t there when I had a wobbly about something that didn’t happen – oh poor me =.=) blah blah blah blahhhhhhh – it’s just not true. It was MY fault, of course it was, it’s just too embarrassing to admit to myself, let alone everyone else. But here you go – the truth.

I yelled at you for 6 months, almost constantly. That's why we broke up. WHY? Not a clue, usually because I felt jealous or insecure and I would just blow things hugely out of proportion, but that’s hardly an excuse! I can’t imagine how that must’ve made you feel having loved me for so long, then getting together with me and finding you were actually with this bitchy little whiny thing, but you always brushed it off and forgave me, and I never took into account how much you must really be hurting – well, 6 months was clearly the limit and you washed your hands of me. I honestly don’t blame you, not one little bit. Good on you man ;)

I have an incredibly short temper, I ALWAYS say the wrong thing, and hell, I just have no common sense. But you argue I don’t remember any of the good stuff and focus on the bad? Dwell on the end rather than focus on the whole 11 months of good times... Why? Because if I focussed on the good stuff, I’d just want you back the whole time, and I can’t do that now, can I?

But of course I remember the good stuff, and the great stuff and all that other fluffy stuff in between – I remember smiling all the way home in my car after I’d been out to see you, I remember going to sleep and finding little notes under my pillow, I remember going for walks all over the place and taking that picture of what was supposed to be a very interesting tree, but instead it was just you swinging in the way on a massive tyre :’D I remember you getting all emotional in "All I ask of you" when we saw Phantom, and being OH SO AWARE of you sitting right next to  me, I remember the first time you told me you loved me, which was in French so I had to google translate it hahahaaa!! You said “Je t’adore avec tous mon couer” and I must have read it a thousand times. I remember you taking me to the ballet and out around London, I remember our first dance together (even though we weren’t actually together.. well, we were, I just didn’t know it yet ;) ), and I remember laughing with you so hard that I cried.

That picture of what was sposed to be an interesting tree ;)

ANYWAY.

 You’ve read everything I’ve written and I’m mortified. I wish you hadn’t, because the thing about this is, it’s just errand thoughts – no editing or anything, just how I’m feeling at the time. It had nothing to do with what I REALLY think; you know that as well as I do. But it’s public, which isn’t fair, you’re right. I've made you out to be some kind of monster, which of course you're not.

Us on holiday in France

So here, I formally apologise to you. I’m so inexplicably sorry from the bottom of my heart for all the hurt I’ve caused, the pointless arguments, for not being the girl you thought I was, for not being the girlfriend I should have been – the one you deserved. You mean the world to me, you’ve been the best friend I could ever have asked for.

Thank you xxx

Defying Gravity...

"I'm through accepting limits,
''cause someone says they're so.
Some things I cannot change-
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!"

When I needed you most.

I have a confession to make... Seeing as this is a page where all excess thoughts go, there's something on my mind - and I'd really appreciate it if this didn't spread because this is a release for me - just me.

I'm right in the middle of an extremely childish arguement, on an extremely adult subject.

Abortion.

Now before anyone has a heart attack, I am not pregnant, nor have I ever been and I certaintly haven't had an abortion! But sometime ago now there was a period where I thought I might have to think about it, and being the kind of person who is melodramatic at BEST, I, as always, blew things way out of proportion.

See, the other day I went to a "Prideaux" (lecture at school) all on abortion, and nothing they told us there suprised me in any way, as I'd already done the research when I was in one of my many many hissy fits. You see once upon a time I did have a long term boyfriend who I did lose my virginity to, and we did have unprotected sex. Stupid right? Totally. Of course we're not THAT thick, we made sure there was still no biological possibility that I would have been able to be pregnant, but when my period came late, I began thinking ... (DANGER!!! hahaa)

Now it's important to remember this was a loooong time ago but I remember it clear as anything - because I cried  A LOT. I didn't really know what to do with myself - and most annoyingly I actually stopped eating because when I did eat and my stomach grew I'd be scared it was the baby already... (apparantly I can defeat science and grow a bump within days... my panic attacks are anything buy logical!!!) I've always been completly against abortion in any circumstance as I've always believed it was killing... on the other hand, faced with my hypothetical baby, I suddenly thought "Oh My God, there's no way I can do this." - as much as I love children and am desperate to have them at some point, as for now - no way!!

                (Though I hope one day I have a baby that looks like this :P SO CUTE!!!!)

So why the arguement? When I was having one of my oh so many panic attacks, my exboyfriend said the words "It's just a balls of cells".... For anyone who's ever Googled "abortions" images, you will know, it really doesn't look like a ball of cells for very long and I was SERIOUSLY unimpressed with his attitude to the whole thing (then again he knew it wasn't possible, as did I, but I'm a lunatic ;) ). But what really got me? He stopped talking to me. He felt so guilty that he'd put me into that position (even though it was totally impossible) and so guilty because I was crying and thumping my stomach (GOD know's why I thought that'd help anything, was just desperate I suppose) etc etc... well, he decided if he couldn't see me happy.. well he couldn't see me at all.

On one hand it's quite sweet he couldn't handle seeing me upset. On the OTHER hand - he abandoned me! I had to deal with the whole thing completly ALONE. For 5 days I was dreaming of either giving birth and not being able to handle it, or else dreaming of my baby being ripped out of my body and dismemebered right in front of my eyes - everything was all my fault. I just didn't know what to do.

So what happened? Nothing obviously haha! Period started, life moved on and the whole topic was brushed under the carpet - though obviously we never had sex again, I was far too petrified of going through that same experience, that same panic!

UNTIL NOW.

He wanted to know how I was, and I said after that Prideaux everything came flooding back, all the pain and the worries, all the many different  plans I had to come up with, all the panic.... and HE said.... (duh-duh-duhhhhh)

"Nice."

Nice.... Nice?... Nice?!?!?! Dear me, that BOY! So, I'm childishly not speaking to him, giving him the evils round the playground etc etc ( :P ), until he can care enough to come and speak to me nicely. (God do I hate that word now!)
----But you know what? I doubt he will. He left me alone when I needed him most. He's the best friend a person could ever have - he's super intelligent, funny, caring, and I swear to God I love him to bits really - but Lord he is hopeless in a crisis!

(unimpressed rant, complete)

Presents, gifts and pretty things.

I've been thinking... (run while you can!)

You know what, I've just had the strangest conversation with my Mum and my Grandma. They were argueing that boyfriends should make an effort to buy their girlfriends presents, gifts and pretty things every five minutes for their 3 day anniversary or whatever, and that it's an imbedded part of "male nature" to by girls little gifts as a token of their grattiude. I argued against it, stating I would far prefer to have less presents and more "special moments" or simply special words with another person, because lets face it - if someone buys you a present, you have to get one in return - and frankly I don't have the money ;)

This picture has little or no relevance... It's just really cute! :)

But the thing is... I TOTALLY disagree with everything I was saying. I've never been spoilt by my various past boyfriends, and I've always been increddibly jealous of those lucky girls who are. Though I do believe what we say should be important and the special moments are vital - jeeeeeze, it would have been nice to get decent presents !!

I've had two valentines days my entire life where I've actually been with someone. On the first I was with Clarky, but he asked me out that week so he didn't actually by me anything (on the other hand, Max DID buy me a single red rose, which leads me on too.....)

The second valentines day, Max got me a rose (which arrived dead) and thorntons chocolates, (my favourite are lindor... awesome) ... On the other hand I did get a very sweet card :)

Why do I write this? Certainly I don't mean to attack the ghosts of boyfriends past! I merely point out that yes, it would've been lovely to have been spoilt every once in a while, so be showered with gifts and praise - we'll have to see what boyfriend number 3 brings to the table ;)

(My next boyfriend.... *drools over Gerard Butler*)

However, I'd like to point out - I will never regret the choice's I've made in this particular area (though I'm hardly an expert)- I may not have got many presents but I've had plenty of smiles, and that's far more important.

"Learn from someone who knows,

Make sure you don't forget -

Love you misunderstand...

Is love that you'll.. Regret."

-Love Never Dies

What have I done...

For Gods sakes, I'm an unstoppable ranting machine sometimes!!

Why can't I just keep my mouth shut?

What have I done... 



Grandma,

The Wise words of Grandma!

Grandma: "Well you start out with a rather gorgeous sporty little model, but as you go along it gets knocked about and scratched a bit, then it needs a lot more work to keep it running and eventually it will conk out - but not yet folks!"

Me: "Haha, no problem Grandma... and you're not a car!!! hahaha!! xx"

Grandma: "It's a metaphor Jen - my body is my Self's transport for it's journey through life - keep up when I'm philosophising please."

 Haha!! :) xxx

The Wise Old One.

For those of you who know me quite well, you'll know I'm very close to my dear old Grandma :)

(Incase you're wondering, that's HER hat :P)

Appart from doing all my various Arty things with me like taking me to galleries, life drawing classes and bringing me magazines, she's a fellow phanatic (yes, I have spelt that right) of Phantom of the Opera and Love Never Dies - A wise old one indeed ;)

I'm thinking of her a lot right now because she'll be going to hospital tomorrow, and I'm hoping everything will work out just fine - As I'm sure of course that it will. I'm also thinking of her because I started my Art exam today, and she's my main subject :) I've always preferred to create portraits, I don't know what it is, I guess it's just that people fascinate me, you can tell so much about a person by the way they present themselves in a portrait. Sadly the portrait I'm creating of my Grandma isn't really a reflection on her character, I merely used her as a model to fit my criteria. Honestly, she's a lot more bubbly in person, as reflected in this very cool picture of us in Falmouth !! Haha :'D

(TAHHDAHHHH!)

So why "Wise Old One"? Well, having read my previous blog she sent me this, and this'll be my quote of the day;

"You won't fly anywhere until you give up weighing yourself down with negative stuff. Trust me Hun, I've been here a long time and I know whereof I speak - heed the words of the Wise Old One. (OK - perhaps not that wise, but definitely high mileage)" ;)

Love you Grandma, Good luck tomorrow xxxxx

One day I'll fly away.

I know I already wrote today but I just thought of something and therefore why not write it down?


Well it's my background on this Blog, I've been thinking about it, what it is that made me pick it-  it's birds, and they're flying away.

Ever been asked, "If you could have any super power, what would it be?" ? I always say flying. I'm not particularly sure why, I think it's just the ultimate freedom - something I hoped I'd have when I learnt to drive, and since I've started driving sadly I haven't really felt free - thing is, I quite often wish I was free from myself - I do have a strange way of thinking, sometimes I wish I'd just give myself a break.


But flying... Mostly it comes in my dreams. I can think of two in particular, both equally as weird as the eachother if I'm honest, I'm sure dear old Freud'd have a field day! Here, see what you think :


1. I'm in a small, dark, circular room that appears to have no ceiling and continue on and on forever, and in that room, there's nothing but a mirror. I walk up to the mirror and at first I get scared, theres a little girl in the mirror, I turn around and there's no one there. The little girl smiles and waves, then kicks of the ground, I do the same, and then I'm flying round and round in circles, constantly higher and higher but never really getting anywhere, because I can't find the ceiling, and I can't find the door to get out again, so I just keep flying higher and higher.

2. I'm sitting on a haystack looking out and there's no one around me. I look out and all I can see is the ocean spreading out before me for miles around. It's really quite serene until I hear a shuffling noise to my left, and I turn to my side. There a small rabbit hole in the ground, and inside the rabbit hole there's a fish.

Now I'm not sure how much you know about Psychology but Freud had a theory: dreams had meaning, and to determine that meaning he'd use dream analysis. He also used to believe that most of the symbolism in dreams was strictly sexually based, but I'm gonna avoid that kind of interpretation as a.) that's highly unlikely, and b.) so unnecessary! But let me tell you what I think, feel free to disagree - I'm always interested in others interpreations.


Seems to me the first is very simple. The little girl in the mirror is clearly me and the reason she's so young is she's just a reflection on myself, my character, or at least the way I see myself. By her showing me to how to fly, but by me not getting anywhere in the process.. Well, I think it's sort of self explanatory, personally.


The second again, perhaps even more simple. There I sit staring out into a sea of possibility, but yet, so much freedom ahead of me - I still manage to feel like, and excuse the cliche, a "fish out of water". Flying in my case is all about escaping, entraptment, being free, and possibility. My life has always been so carefully looked after and controlled, I guess the thought of being out there alone in the future just... well, it frightens me.


But I'll leave you with this, some of my favourite quotes (oh, I do love my quotes :P) that look at flying;

"If you're a bird, I'm a bird".

- The Notebook.

"One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
What more could your love do for me
When will love be through with me
Why live life from dream to dream
And dread the day when dreaming ends"

- Moulin Rouge.

Love.

Wow... An empty page.

I'm one of those people who just can't bare a blank page - perhaps its a character flaw, but if a page it empty, it needs to be filled. Similarly, if there's a silence, I'm the one that'll always be there making some random comment, usually an entirely irrelevant random comment, but a comment all the same.

So, you ask, why have I chosen to have a blog? Well, the answer is simple. Up until recently, whenever I got scared, angry, hurt etc etc, I would always talk to my best friend. HOWEVER, of course my best friend also happened to be my boyfriend, and sadly the sun has set on that particular part of my life. Of course we're still friends, but it's really not fair to load my feelings on him so much anymore. So where do all these thoughts go now? Well... here :)

Now, don't worry - I promise this won't be an entire blog filled with teenage angst and angry rants - though undoubtedly there will be some, I do love a good angry rant! But you see, the thing is with a girl like me, is what on earth do I have to be angry about? Do I have the right to be hurt, or sad? A girl who has everything, everything that anyone could have ever wanted - a big house, big family, fantastic school, incredible friends, artistic talents etc... What could I possibly want?

Love.

Of course, the only thing you can't buy would be the only thing that would truly matter to me. How very typical, ungreatful even. I guess its a flaw in the human anatomy - we always want more. And for the girl who has everything, "more" happens to be something immaterial and impossible in my position - well, for the moment at least. I often wonder if I was born in the wrong body, the wrong family, the wrong life. Perhaps I could've been born in someone else's life and had real problems and real things to worry about.

It's incredible though, those three words - "I love you" - They can make or break your entire world, make your heart stop or start, kill you or bring you to life. They're so simple, yet so powerful. Thery're said too much, and not enough. You can't live with it, and you can't live without it, and yet love ... it's undeniably beautiful.

"Love gives you pleasure and love brings you pain, but yet when both are gone, love will still remain." - Love Never Dies.

So that's what I search for, what I focus my life around - love. That and the beauty underneath. No one is what they seem and everyone wears a mask. Is this a bad thing? Of course not. It just gives us more to uncover, more to search for, more to love, and more to care about. Its that search which makes us wiser, more understanding and more sympathetic. If we were only to look for what was right infront of us, well, the world would be a very superficial place indeed ;)

Here's my first musing, and I'm sure there's plenty to come - so I'll leave you with a thought of mine. Life is a contradiction, a conflict and filled with hidden meaning; it's our place look for what's hidden, fight for what's important and take a look from a different perspective. xx