I remember, (my apology)

I know I like to rant about how life is so impossible to me. The truth is, I was the luckiest girl in the world, and probably still am – and I take everything for granted. And I’ll never be able to apologise enough for all the things I’ve done, but this blog – It’s for Max.

Me and my best friend ere' ;) must have been December in 2009 I believe,

before we got together, was a very funny day :)

I’ve done terrible things to you. I know I have Max, it’s no secret and don't argue. I know I like to tell people that we broke up cause you gave in, you didn’t care enough to fight (and referencing to blogs below apparently because you didn’t buy me presents much and you weren’t there when I had a wobbly about something that didn’t happen – oh poor me =.=) blah blah blah blahhhhhhh – it’s just not true. It was MY fault, of course it was, it’s just too embarrassing to admit to myself, let alone everyone else. But here you go – the truth.

I yelled at you for 6 months, almost constantly. That's why we broke up. WHY? Not a clue, usually because I felt jealous or insecure and I would just blow things hugely out of proportion, but that’s hardly an excuse! I can’t imagine how that must’ve made you feel having loved me for so long, then getting together with me and finding you were actually with this bitchy little whiny thing, but you always brushed it off and forgave me, and I never took into account how much you must really be hurting – well, 6 months was clearly the limit and you washed your hands of me. I honestly don’t blame you, not one little bit. Good on you man ;)

I have an incredibly short temper, I ALWAYS say the wrong thing, and hell, I just have no common sense. But you argue I don’t remember any of the good stuff and focus on the bad? Dwell on the end rather than focus on the whole 11 months of good times... Why? Because if I focussed on the good stuff, I’d just want you back the whole time, and I can’t do that now, can I?

But of course I remember the good stuff, and the great stuff and all that other fluffy stuff in between – I remember smiling all the way home in my car after I’d been out to see you, I remember going to sleep and finding little notes under my pillow, I remember going for walks all over the place and taking that picture of what was supposed to be a very interesting tree, but instead it was just you swinging in the way on a massive tyre :’D I remember you getting all emotional in "All I ask of you" when we saw Phantom, and being OH SO AWARE of you sitting right next to  me, I remember the first time you told me you loved me, which was in French so I had to google translate it hahahaaa!! You said “Je t’adore avec tous mon couer” and I must have read it a thousand times. I remember you taking me to the ballet and out around London, I remember our first dance together (even though we weren’t actually together.. well, we were, I just didn’t know it yet ;) ), and I remember laughing with you so hard that I cried.

That picture of what was sposed to be an interesting tree ;)

ANYWAY.

 You’ve read everything I’ve written and I’m mortified. I wish you hadn’t, because the thing about this is, it’s just errand thoughts – no editing or anything, just how I’m feeling at the time. It had nothing to do with what I REALLY think; you know that as well as I do. But it’s public, which isn’t fair, you’re right. I've made you out to be some kind of monster, which of course you're not.

Us on holiday in France

So here, I formally apologise to you. I’m so inexplicably sorry from the bottom of my heart for all the hurt I’ve caused, the pointless arguments, for not being the girl you thought I was, for not being the girlfriend I should have been – the one you deserved. You mean the world to me, you’ve been the best friend I could ever have asked for.

Thank you xxx